I felt how she froze in my arms. My words had quite an impact. It was too much to ignore. I hated myself for all the pain I had caused her, and I still was causing her; but the need to clarify things - to tell her how much I loved her- whether she felt the same for me or not, was stronger than me. I needed to release my own pain, to tell her how I felt at having to leave her; though remembering the worst day of my life with her was not pleasant.
I gently shook her, trying to help her relax from her rigid pose. 

 “Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly.”I winced. I did not want to hurt her, but I had to get it all out."That was… excruciating."
I remembered well how her eyes fixed on me and how her own face softened when I told her I didn’t want her anymore. I also remembered how hard it was for me to stay calm and in control. How hard it was to keep from screaming. In fact, at that moment I thought she had seen it - my desperation.
She was very still. I looked into her eyes trying to find something, maybe my own hope, but I felt the pain of the past seven months without her presence again. There was no way to stop it. Now I could lose her again and this time I felt I won’t be able to cope with it.
“When we were in the forest, when I was saying goodbye...” My voice was only a whisper, unable to speak of that painful memory. Her eyes closed for a moment, cutting my only access to her feelings. I felt lost. But I had to go on, to free us both, for better or worse.
"You weren't going to let go," I whispered, lost in my own pain "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."
"A clean break" she whispered, her lips barely moving.
“Exactly.”I continued, trying to explain before she could speak again. “But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry.” A question was burning in my mind stronger that the thirst that I had felt during our first meeting and I couldn’t contain it.
"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

She just looked at me, perfectly still in disbelief, still distant and cold, which gave me an intense pain. If I was going to lose her, at least I would know why she had believed me so easily. But I would tell her again and again that I hadn’t, even for a single moment, stopped loving her. That I would never know how to.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"
I tried to bring her back from wherever she may be. She hadn’t moved yet and I was going mad with her silence. I shook her again without force, but despite it, her teeth chattered a bit. I desperately needed to hear her voice as well as her forgiveness, but above all, more than anything else, what I most needed was to kiss her.

“Bella” I sighed. “Really, what were you thinking?!” 
And then she started to cry. Big tears rolled down her cheeks. She sobbed:
"I knew. I knew I was dreaming...”
"Dreaming?" I was beginning to despair.
"You're impossible," I said, feeling frustrated. She was as stubborn as ever. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She shook her head as tears continued to fall from her eyes, which gave them a surprising glow. She did not talk. She just cried in my arms, and I felt miserable. I knew I would be hurting her again, but my selfishness was stronger. I needed to know and the silence was killing me. She had lost her trust in me and it seemed that I had lost her too.
"You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered, and I could hear sadness filled my own voice "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"
"It never made sense for you to love me," she said finally, her voice breaking. "I always knew that."

As she spoke, my need to kiss her, to prove to her that I love her in the only way I could think in that moment, grew inside of me. Maybe that was my last chance to kiss her.
"I'll prove you're awake," I promised and I looked at her eyes which were sad and confused. I held her head in my hands and my thumb brushed her lips. She tried to turn her head away. I stopped inches from her sweet lips, longing for her warmth and some contact. She rejected me, but I could not leave her without trying, and I didn’t want our last kiss to be stolen.
In a whisper, filled with sadness, she said:
"Please don’t.”

The pain and sadness reached my chest and I felt cold and empty. But my whole being refused to leave. I needed a reason, because I no longer have control of my will. Now all that ruled me was need and she was what I needed.
With my lips half an inch from hers and my eyes lost in her dark ones I whispered. “Why not?”
I was on the limit of myself control, feeling her sweet taste in my mouth and her breath... I wanted her more than ever.
"When I wake up"—I opened my mouth to protest, but her eyes became fierce and she went on to correct herself—"okay, forget that one—when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I felt a tinge of hope that ran through all my being and I knew that if my heart could only beat, it would crazily accelerate, be out of control. The feeling surprised me, but all the emotions she evoked in me always did.
I pulled back to look at her face, longing for her lips again.
"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be… “the death of me, love” quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" My voice was still a whisper, trying to hide all the pain and the fear that I felt.
“What kind of an idiotic question is that?”

I needed to know.
“Just answer it. Please.”
She stared at me for a while. I was still cupping her face in my hands and still feeling her warm breath brushing against my lips gently, increasing my need for her. A "no" could tear me to pieces. Her eyes were fierce and enigmatic at the same time.
"The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"
Then and there, I felt complete again. The empty hole inside of me seemed to fill with life and the last of my cells felt like it burst with happiness. I have never felt this, not even on the first night I came to her room and she whispered my name in her dreams. That night I knew that I loved her, that I would always love her; or even when she asked me to stay and she uttered she loved me in her dreams, after spending the day with me in the meadow.
The need to kiss her surpassed me.
 "That's all I needed to hear." And my mouth was on hers.

My lips brushed hers gently; but my longing for her was too strong and I kissed her as I had never dared before, trying to merge with her. I had spent too many lonely nights away from her warmth, remembering every second spent with her, hearing the sweet sound of her voice whispering my name ... For 24 hours - the longest day of my entire existence - I had believed that she was dead, and that almost killed us both. The sense of meaninglessness, of death, had permeated my being. Yet the memory of her essence had comforted me. Now that I know that she is alive, that she was back in my arms, everything was well again.
I felt how she accepted my lips and I wanted her even more. I wanted to cast her lips on mine. I stroked her warm little body, to feel her as close as possible. And I felt her body slowly meld with mine.
Then she returned my kiss, surrendering completely. And I nearly burst from sheer happiness. Her heart pounded madly as her hands caressed my face, as hungry for me as I was for her.
It felt like flying, there was nothing else to describe it. I would die a thousand times just to feel it.

I stopped kissing her just when her heart reached such a frenetic pace that I feared for her. I whispered her name and rested my ear against her chest, feeling more complete than I could ever imagine. And there I stayed, listening to her heart as my heart slowly recovered to a steady rhythm. She held me, totally still, in her arms.
"By the way, I will not leave you," I said as casual as I could. I could not even think about it again. For me it would be impossible to get away from it.
But Bella did not answer, leaving the silence full of skepticism. I lifted my head to face her and I pierced my gaze to her eyes, wanting to live there forever. 

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you," I added trying to keep my voice even, trying to hide the tension I felt by her silence."I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

I needed her to know everything, why I left and why I could never leave her again. But in her eyes the skepticism remained. 
 "Don't promise me anything," she muttered in a whisper full of pain. I felt the frustration rush through my body, but I tried not to let it fill my voice.
“You think I'm lying to you now?”
"No—not lying." she shook her head thoughtfully "You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"
I shuddered at the memory. Her eyes strayed away and I could not help but wonder, once again, what she was thinking about. Why couldn’t she believe me? How could I regain her confidence?
For the first time I felt helpless -not knowing what to think or say - completely lost, but still absolutely determined to stay forever. I’ll never leave her again.
Her eyes focused on mine.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it?" she guessed, turning me back to reality "You'll end up doing what you think is right."
"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," he said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."
Now I was sure that I would do anything for her, to keep her by my side had even yielded to give what I least wanted to in that very moment ... but I threw the thought off my mind, reproaching my selfishness; I would fight to keep her human, even if it was against her will.
"Be serious, please” she said smirking.
"Oh, I am." I insisted, pulled into the dark depths of her eyes. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?" 
 
I watched her face - the prettiest I had ever seen - just to make sure she was listening, and I almost lost my train of thought by her beauty. It was time to surrender to her completely, because I belonged to her. And if I had a soul, it was hers too.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

I waited for her answer, while her gaze filled with disbelief.
"Your eyes will adjust,” she mumbled.
"That's just the problem-- they can’t.”
How could I make her understand that life was not life without her, that without her the world had no meaning for me? Nothing made any sense without her.
“What about your distractions?”
I laughed at the absurdity of it.
“Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the… the agony.” The mere memory of her absence caused me an excruciating pain. “My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you." 

"That's funny," she muttered.
I raised an eyebrow, looking somewhat confused.
“Funny?”
 "I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long."And as she said so, she filled her lungs, and a new light sparked in her beautiful eyes which illuminated my world. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."
No, that was something I would never accept, if I could help it. More than ever I saw clearly the ties that bind us. I closed my eyes and burrowed my ear against her chest, right in the place where my life was anchored. She pressed her cheek against my hair and I felt at home, quite happy, knowing that I could spend eternity like this.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" She asked, her voice full of curiosity. I did not move, listening to the gentle rhythm of her heart.
 "No," I sighed. I had no desire to return to the past. I just wanted to feel her. “That was never a distraction. It was an obligation.”
“What does that mean?” Her curiosity turned to concern.
"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with…” I cut that line of thought. Now I was here, with her, and Victoria wouldn’t be able to approach her. “Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil—and really she came here." A groan escaped from my throat. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears—"- You were hunting Victoria? "She cut me with a gasp, while her heart was racing.

Charlie's snoring stopped. I waited until his breathing resumed its regular cadence. There weren’t dreams in his mind, though I was not focused on him, not as I was on Bella.
 "Not well," I said as I studied her expression which shifted from anger to confusion. I felt that I had failed, but I could mend that ... "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."
"That ... That is out of consideration, "she said, exasperated, her eyes darkened while she controlled her breathing.
I knew she was upset but I was not going to leave Victoria out there to eventually get to Bella. I was going to protect her because she was the most important person in my life. I felt a lump in the throat to think of the danger she had run while I was wasting my time in Brazil.

Again I feel stupid for having believed at some point that leaving her was the best, when all I had done was put her in even greater danger. Now I knew it and it was not going to happen again.
"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—"
She interrupted me again, trying to sound calm.
"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave? That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"
I frowned. I had just done it, I had promised and I would keep my word, but a low snarl formed in my chest.
"I'll keep my promise, Bella, but Victoria it’s going to die…” the snarl deepened. “Soon.”
"Let's not be hasty," she replied nervously. “Maybe she’s not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

 I looked through my narrowed eyes and nodded, werewolves ...
"True. The werewolves are a complication.”
She snorted. "I was not talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble.”

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As all of you know I don't own any of the charapters here, I just own my own vision of Edward. Thanks SM for creating them!

I'm still working on the next one, but summer is such a great time here for sun and pool....

ILY!! And I miss you so much...

I felt how she froze in my arms. My words had quite an impact. It was too much to pass. I hated myself for all the pain I had caused her, and I still was causing her, but the need to clarify things, to tell how much I loved her, whether she felt the same as me or not, it was stronger than me. I needed to release my own pain, tell her how I felt at having to leave her, though remembering the worst day of my life with her was not pleasant.
I gently shook her, trying to relax her rigid pose.
 “Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly.”I winced. I did not want to hurt her, but I had to get it out of me.  "That was… excruciating."
I remembered well her eyes fixed on my face and how she softened her own face when I told her I didn’t want her anymore...I also remembered how hard it was for me to stay calm and control , not to start screaming. In fact, at that moment I thought she had seen it, that she saw my desperation.
She was still paralyzed. I looked into her eyes trying to find something, maybe my own hope, but the pain of the past seven months without her presence was on me again. There was no way to stop it, now I could lose her again and this time I didn’t feel able to cope with it.
 When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye...” My voice was only a whisper, unable to give volume to that memory. Her eyes closed for a moment, cutting my only access to her feelings. I felt lost. But I had to go on, to free us both, for better or worse.
"You weren't going to let go," I whispered, lost in my own pain "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."
"A clean break" she whispered through still unmoving lips.

 “Exactly.” I continued, trying to explain before she could speak again. “But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry.” A question was burning in my mind stronger that the thirst that I had felt during our first meeting and I couldn’t contain it

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"
She just looked at me, perfectly still, in disbelief, still distant and cold, which gave me an intense pain. If I was going to lose her, at least I would know why she had believed me so easily and that I hadn’t stopped loving her a single moment, that I would never be able to.
"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"
I tried to bring her back from where ever she may be. She hadn’t moved yet and I was going mad with her silence. I shook her again, without force, but despite it, her teeth chattered a bit. I desperately needed to hear her voice as much as her forgiveness, but, above all, more than anything else, what I most needed was to kiss her.
“Bella” I sighed. “Really, what were you thinking!” 
And then she started to cry. Big tears flooded her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Then she sobbed:
"I knew. I knew I was dreaming...”
"Dreaming?" I was beginning to despair.
"You're impossible," I said, feeling frustrated. She was as stubborn as ever. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."
She shook her head as tears continued to fall from the corners of her eyes, giving them a special glow. She did not talk, just stayed in my arms, crying, and I felt miserable. I was hurting her again, but my selfishness was stronger. I needed to know and the silence was killing me. She had lost her trust in me and it seemed that I had lost her too.
"You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered, and I could hear sadness filled my own voice "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

 "It never made sense for you to love me," she said finally, her voice broke twice. "I always knew that."
As she spoke my need for kissing her, to prove her that I love her in the only way I could think in that moment, grew inside me. Maybe that was my last chance to kiss her.
"I'll prove you're awake," I promised and I confronted her eyes sad and confused. I held her head in my hands going up to her mouth, ignoring her efforts when she tried to turn her head away. I stopped inches from her sweet lips, longing for her warmth and contact. She rejected me, but I could not leave her without trying, and I didn’t want our last kiss had to be stolen.
In a whisper, filled with sadness, she said:
"Please don’t.”
The pain and sadness got into my chest and felt their cold emptiness, but my whole being refused to leave. I needed a reason, because I would no longer have control on my will, now all that ruled me was need and she was what I needed.
With my lips half an inch from hers and my eyes lost in her dark ones I whispered. “Why not?”
I was on the limit of myself control, feeling her sweet taste in my mouth and her breath... I wanted her more than ever.
"When I wake up"—I opened my mouth to protest, but her eyes became fierce and she went on revising herself—"okay, forget that one—when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I felt a twinge of hope that ran through all my being and I knew that if my heart could beat, it would be accelerated, out of control. The feeling surprised me, but she always did.
I pulled back an inch to look at her face, longing for her lips again.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be… “the death of me, love” quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" My voice was just a whisper, trying to hide all the pain and the fear that I felt..
“What kind of an idiotic question is that?”
I needed an answer and I asked for it.
“Just answer it. Please.”
She stared at me for a while. I still had her face in my hands and I was still feeling her warm breath brushing against my lips gently, increasing my need for her. A "no" could tear me to pieces. Her eyes were fierce and enigmatic at the same time.

 "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"
I felt complete again. The empty hole inside of me getting full with live and almost the last of my cells seemed to burst with happiness. I never felt like this, not even the first night I came to her room and she whispered my name in her dreams and I knew that I loved her, that I would always love her; or when she asked me to stay and she said she loved me in her dreams, after spending the day together at the meadow.
The need to kiss her surpassed me.
"That's all I needed to hear. - And I was on her mouth.
My lips brushed hers gently, but my longing for her was too strong and I kissed her as I had never dared before, trying to merge with her. I had spent too many lonely nights away from her warmth, remembering every second spent with her, hearing the sweet sound of her voice whispering my name ... For 24 hours, the longest day of my entire existence, I had believed that she was dead, and that almost killed us both. The sense of meaninglessness, of death, had invaded me and the memory of her essence had comforted me. Now it just told me that she was alive, that I was with her and, surprisingly, it was very easy.
I felt how she accepted my lips and I wanted her even more. I wanted to cast her lips on mine, stroking her warm little body, to feel her as close as possible, to confuse her with another part of my body.
Then she returned me the kiss, surrendering completely and I nearly burst from sheer happiness. Her heart pounding madly, and her hands caressing my face, as hungry for me as I was for her.
It could have been flying because there was nothing else than my Bella and I would die a thousand times for feeling like it.
I stopped kissing her just when her heart reached such a frenetic pace that I feared for her and whispering her name I rested my ear against her chest, feeling more complete than I could imagine. And there I stayed, listening to her heart, my heart, slowly recovering the steady rhythm that I had missed so much. She held me, totally still, in her arms.
"By the way, I will not leave you," I said as casual as I could. I could not even think about it again. For me it would be impossible to get away from her.
But Bella did not answer, leaving the silence full of skepticism. I lifted my face to face her eyes, where I could live forever, and I pierce my gaze at hers.

 "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you," I added trying to keep my voice serious and even, trying to hide the tension I felt at her silence."I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."
I needed her to know everything, why I left and why I could never leave her again ... but in her eyes the skepticism remained.
 
"Don't promise me anything," she muttered in a whisper full of pain. I felt the anger through my body, but not let it fill my voice that still sounded harsh.
“You think I'm lying to you now?”
"No—not lying." she shook her head thoughtfully "You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"
I shuddered at the mere memory. Her eyes strayed away and I could not help wondering, once again, what she was thinking about. Why couldn’t she believe me? How could I regain her confidence?
For the first time I felt my mind empty, not knowing what to think or say, completely lost, but still absolutely determined to give my life for her.
Her eyes focused on mine.
"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it?" she guessed, turning me back to reality "You'll end up doing what you think is right."
"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," he said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

Now I was sure that I would do anything for her, to keep her by my side had even yielded to give what I least wanted to in that very moment ... but I throw that thinking off my mind, reproaching my selfishness; I would fight to keep her human, even against herself.
"Be serious, please” she said grinning.
"Oh, I am," I insisted plunging into the dark depths of her eyes. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"  
I watched her face, the prettiest I had ever seen, just to make sure she was listening, and I almost lost my train of thought in its beauty. It was time to surrender to her completely, because I belonged to her. And if I had a soul was hers too.
"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
I waited for her answer, while her gaze filled with disbelief and my inner with pain.
"Your eyes will adjust,” she mumbled.
"That's just the problem-- they can’t.”
How could I make her understand that life was not life without her, that without her the world had no meaning for me? Nothing made any sense without her.
“What about your distractions?”
I laughed desperate, joyless.

“Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the… the agony.” The mere memory of her absence caused me an excruciating pain. “My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you." 
"That's funny," she muttered.
I raised an eyebrow, looking somewhat confused.
“Funny?”

 "I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long."And as she said so, she filled her lungs, and a new light illuminated her beautiful eyes and my world. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."
No, that was something I would ever accept, if I could help it... More than ever I saw clearly the ties that bound us. I closed my eyes and leaned my ear against her chest, right in the place where my life was anchored. She pressed her cheek against my hair and I felt at home, quite happy, knowing I could spend eternity like that.
"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" She asked, her voice full of curiosity. I did not move, listening to the gentle rhythm of her heart.
          "No," I sighed. I had no desire to return to the past. I just wanted to feel her. “That was never a distraction. It was an obligation.”
“What does that mean?”And curiosity turned to concern.
"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with…” I cut that line of thoughts. Now I was here, with her, and Victoria wouldn’t be able to approach her. “Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil—and really she came here." A groan escaped from my throat. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears—"
- You were hunting Victoria? "She cut me with a gasp, while her heart was racing.
Charlie's snoring stopped. I waited until they resumed their regular cadence. There weren’t dreams in his mind, though I was not focused on him, just on Bella.
 "Not well," I said as I studied her expression between angry and confused. I felt that I had failed, but I could mend that ... "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."
"That ... That is out of consideration, "she said, her eyes darkened, while she controlled her breathing.
I knew she was upset but I was not going to leave Victoria out there trying to get to Bella. I was going to protect her because she was the most important, more than anything else. I felt a lump in the throat to think of the danger she had run while I was wasting my time in Brazil.
Again I feel stupid for having believed at some point that leaving her was the best, when all I had done was put her in even greater danger. Now I knew it and it was not going to happen again.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—"
She interrupted me again, trying to sound calm.
"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave? That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"
I frowned. I had just done it, I had promised and I would keep my word, but ... a low snarl formed in my chest.
"I'll keep my promise, Bella, but Victoria it’s going to die…” the snarl deepened. “Soon.”
"Let's not be hasty," she replied nervously. “Maybe she’s not coming back . Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

I looked through my narrowed eyes and nodded, werewolves ...
"True. The werewolves are a complication.
She snorted. "I was not talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble.”

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I’m so sorry, cos this really took me a lot of time, but this is my first time “on my own” *I’m feeling too bold now – oh, Bell, what have I done?-*, so please be good to me, but help me when you see something that’s wrong. I’m learning to write in English and it’s not so easy, apart from the feeling of “I’m not good enough for doing this” O.o 

I know too, this isn’t finish, but I’m thinking on doing the next chapter too, so maybe I will put them together.

As you already know I don’t own the characters, they’re own by Stephenie Meyer and New Moon dialogues are absolutely copy from the book. I just own my vision of Edward and how I think he could be feeling and thinking.

BGs, hope you like this, you make me want to write, through all the work and the lack of time. You’re always like a fresh air to breathe… hope you enjoy! ;)

Sentí como se quedaba helada en mis brazos. Mis palabras habían sido todo un impacto. Demasiadas cosas que asimilar. Me odié a mí mismo por todo el dolor que le había causado, y el que aún le estaba causando, pero la necesidad de aclarar las cosas, de decirle cuánto la amaba, tanto si ella sentía lo mismo como si no, era mucho más fuerte que yo. Necesitaba liberar mi propio dolor, decirle cómo me había sentido al tener que dejarla, aunque recordar el peor día de mi existencia junto a ella no me resultaba nada agradable.

 
-¡Oh! -jadeó mientras se frotaba los ojos con los puños.
Había tanta sorpresa en su precioso rostro que me sentí asustado, no parecía recordar nada de lo que nos había ocurrido los últimos días. Sentí un pinchazo de dolor al pensar que sólo le pareciera parte de una pesadilla, pero no pensaba irme de allí, no sin una respuesta. Había muchas cosas de las que hablar, sin contar todos los motivos que tenía para quedarme.
Abrió los ojos otra vez y la ansiedad creció en mi interior, tiñendo mi voz.
-¿Te he asustado?
No contestó y me alarmé. Me miraba de un modo extraño y deseé saber qué estaba pensando. La vieja frustración me golpeó, pero hacía tanto tiempo que deseaba estar con ella que no quería estropear el momento con tonterías. Se la veía confusa y distante como si creyera que yo no era real, como si no terminara de despertar.
Parpadeó dos veces con desesperación, parecía tratar de recordar algo, mientras sus ojos recorrían mi rostro, aún desorientada.
-¡Oh, mierda! - graznó con la voz pastosa a causa del sueño.
-¿Qué pasa, Bella?- la ansiedad llenaba mi voz, imposible de controlar, pero también había un dejo de tristeza en ella.
Me frunció el ceño, con desolación, haciéndome sentir más ansioso.
-Estoy muerta, ¿no es cierto? –gimió. -Me ahogué de verdad. ¡Mierda, mierda, mierda! El disgusto va a matar a Charlie.
Puse mala cara.
-No estás muerta. –Al parecer yo tenía razón y ella no creía que yo estuviera allí con ella, tumbado a su lado, abrazado a su cuerpo porque eso era la única cosa en el mundo que me daba la vida. Y pensaba quedarme allí, luchar por ella, mientras me quedara la más mínima esperanza.
-Entonces, ¿por qué no me despierto? - me retó, alzando las cejas.
-Estás despierta, Bella.- le dije sintiendo una mezcla de confusión, ansiedad y frustración, mientras trataba de descifrar su expresión.
Sacudió la cabeza.
-Seguro, seguro. Eso es lo que tú quieres que yo piense, y entonces, cuando despierte, todo será peor; si me despierto, cosa que no va a ocurrir, porque estoy muerta. Esto es horrible. Pobre Charlie. Y Renée y Jake... -se le apagó la voz, llena de horror y tristeza.
Jake… lo había dicho con dulzura… Corté esa línea de pensamiento antes de que fuera demasiado tarde y sonreí, triste.
—Ya veo que me has confundido con una pesadilla- ¡Qué otra cosa podía ser yo después de todo lo que la había hecho pasar! Yo no era más que un monstruo. -Lo que no me puedo imaginar es qué es lo que debes de haber hecho para terminar en el infierno. ¿Te has dedicado a cometer asesinatos en mi ausencia? –pude oír la tristeza en mi propia voz.
Me hizo una mueca.
—Pues claro que no. Tú no podrías estar conmigo si yo estuviera en el infierno.
Suspiré. Me sentía desesperado, aunque también sentía esperanza. Al menos no creía que estar conmigo fuera algo malo.
Me perdí en sus ojos de chocolate fundido, incluso durante el segundo en que su mirada se apartó de la mía, mirando la ventana abierta y de nuevo a mí. Parecía confusa, perdida en algún lugar de su mente. Entonces se sonrojó y el calor de la sangre que subió a sus mejillas color crema se llevó todas las frías noches y los oscuros días sin ella, incluso aquellos en que no creía que iba a volver a verla, aquellas en las que en lo único que podía pensar para sobrevivir era que en algún lugar ella seguía respirando.
-Entonces, ¿todo eso ha ocurrido de verdad?- la cautela llenó su pregunta, como si no pudiera creer que los últimos días habían pasado realmente.
Traté de sonreír y le contesté:
-Eso depende. Si te refieres a que casi nos masacran en Italia, entonces, sí.
-¡Qué extraño! –musitó. -He viajado a Italia de verdad. ¿A que no sabías que por el este nunca había pasado más allá de Alburquerque?
Puse los ojos en blanco. Mi dulce Bella había cruzado el océano para evitar que yo hiciera algo estúpido, sin importarle poner su vida en peligro, sin pensarlo dos veces, y creía que todo era un sueño.
-Quizá deberías dormirte otra vez. No dices más que tonterías…- y entonces yo podré seguir vigilando tu sueño, imaginando que aún me quieres, mi vida.
-Ya no me siento cansada – me dijo, totalmente despierta.- ¿Qué hora es? ¿Cuánto tiempo he estado durmiendo?
Hora de afrontar la realidad. Se había acabado mi tiempo y me invadió el miedo.
-Es la una de la madrugada. Así que, unas catorce horas. -Se estiró mientras yo hablaba. Catorce horas, maravillosas, cuidando tu sueño, como si nunca me hubiese marchado.
-¿Y Charlie? –preguntó.
Torcí el gesto.
-Duerme. Deberías saber que en este preciso momento me estoy saltando las reglas, aunque no técnicamente, claro, ya que él me dijo que no volviera a traspasar su puerta, y he entrado por la ventana... Pero bueno, al menos la intención era buena.
-¿Charlie te ha echado de casa? -inquirió, con una voz extraña cuando la furia se mezcló con su dulzura natural.
Los recuerdos regresaron a mi mente trayendo la tristeza con ellos. Charlie siempre me había resultado difícil de leer, pero tenía recuerdos muy claros sobre los últimos meses, así que no podía culparle por querer mantenerme alejado de su hija. En realidad, le entendía perfectamente, pero sólo había una persona que podía alejarme de Bella y era ella misma, yo nunca no tendría suficiente voluntad para dejarla otra vez.
-¿Acaso esperabas otra cosa? – contesté, consciente de la tristeza que se filtraba en mi voz.
Sus ojos tenían una expresión furiosa, como si algo se quemara dentro de ella, pero un brillo triste lo sustituyó conforme se calmaba. Vi algo diferente, ¿ansiedad, tal vez?, en su rostro mientras la curiosidad llenaba su voz.
-¿Cuál es la historia? -me preguntó en un tono casual.
No era una pregunta peligrosa y me daba más tiempo para estar junto a ella. Aún deseando poder aclarar las cosas, sobre todo deseaba saber si ella aún me quería, pero cualquier cosa que alargara el tiempo que pudiera pasar con ella no me iba a molestar. Así que tomé el mismo camino seguro que ella me ofrecía. Hacerlo casual era fácil y aún no estaba preparado para marcharme, aún no.
-¿Qué quieres decir?
-¿Qué le voy a decir a Charlie? ¿Qué explicación le voy a dar por haber desaparecido...? -me miró confusa. -Ahora que lo pienso, ¿cuánto tiempo he estado fuera?
-Sólo tres días –sonreí a modo de disculpa. -En realidad, albergaba la esperanza de que se te ocurriera alguna buena explicación. Yo no tengo ninguna.- Todo lo que había ocurrido era demasiado para poder encontrar una mentira que lo arreglara. Además no podía centrarme en otra cosa que no fuera ella y todo por lo que tenía que disculparme.
-De fábula.- Refunfuñó.
-Bueno, quizás Alice sea capaz de inventar algo —le dije tratando de consolarla. No había hablado con nadie antes de venir a su habitación. El tiempo que tenía para estar a su lado era demasiado precioso para perderlo, sobre todo cuando no sabía cuánto tendría. Ella se relajó, pero entonces vi que el momento que tanto temía había llegado.
-Y bueno... –comenzó -¿en qué has andado hasta hace tres días?
No era la pregunta que me esperaba y no eran cosas de las que yo quisiera hablar. Dudé. ¿Qué podía contarle? Aún no lo tenía muy claro.
-En nada que me entusiasmara excesivamente.
-Claro que no -masculló, pero la seguridad brilló en sus ojos, aunque con una pizca de tristeza.
-¿Por qué pones esa cara?
-Bueno... -frunció los labios, pensativa -Si, después de todo, sólo fueras un sueño, ésa sería exactamente la clase de respuesta que darías. Mi imaginación no da para mucho, está muy claro.

Suspiré, no me dejaba ninguna opción.
-Si te lo cuento, ¿te creerás al fin que no estás viviendo una pesadilla?
-¡Una pesadilla! -repitió con resentimiento. -Quizá - dijo después de pensarlo un momento -si me lo cuentas.
-Estuve... cazando. -No quería hablar de esto y esperaba que se conformara con esa respuesta, aunque no tenía muchas esperanzas en ello.
-¿Eso es todo lo que eres capaz de hacer? -me criticó, mirándome con fiereza. -Eso no prueba de ninguna manera que esté despierta.
Vacilé, buscando las palabras con cuidado. No quería preocuparla y sabía que lo haría si le contaba lo que había estado haciendo, ella era tan buena, y teníamos cosas mucho más importantes de las que hablar, pero también sabía que ella no lo dejaría pasar y que yo ganaba tiempo a su lado.
-No estuve de caza para alimentarme. En realidad, ponía a prueba mi habilidad... en el rastreo. Y no soy nada bueno.
-¿Y qué fue lo que estuviste rastreando? –me preguntó, intrigada.
-Nada de importancia -estaba incómodo y sabía que lo veía en mi cara.
-No te entiendo. –dijo con el rostro lleno de confusión, tratando de descifrar mi expresión.
Dudé entre contestar a su pregunta o dejar mi destino en sus manos. Ya no podía soportar un segundo más estar tan cerca de ella, respirando su aliento y no poder besarla. Quería estar más y más cerca de ella, no dejar ni un espacio entre nuestros cuerpos… Pero, para eso, era preciso una confesión y su perdón. Necesitaba saber a qué se debía la distancia que emanaba de todo su cuerpo, si aún me quería o no.
-Yo... -inspiré hondo. -Te debo una disculpa. No, sin duda, te debo mucho más, muchísimo más que eso, pero has de saber que yo no tenía ni idea... No me di cuenta del desastre que dejaba a mis espaldas. Pensé que te dejaba a salvo. Totalmente a salvo. No tenía ni idea de que volvería Victoria... – sólo pensar en su nombre me llenaba de ira. -Debo admitir que presté más atención a los pensamientos de James que a los de ella cuando la vi aquella vez y, por consiguiente, fui incapaz de prever esa clase de reacción por su parte y de descubrir que ella tenía un lazo tan fuerte con él. Creo que me he dado cuenta ahora de que Victoria confiaba tanto en él que jamás pensó que pudiera sucumbir, ni se le pasó por la imaginación. Quizá fue ese exceso de confianza el que nubló sus sentimientos por él y lo que me impidió darme cuenta de la profundidad del lazo que los unía.– Lo solté todo en una sola inspiración, me sentía muy nervioso y quería pasar por esto lo más rápido posible. No quería enfrentarme al fantasma del tiempo vivido lejos de ella, que sólo hacía que sintiera mil cuchillos clavarse en mi corazón de roca. Ella me miraba con concentración.
»Pero, de cualquier modo, no tengo excusa alguna por haber permitido que te enfrentaras sola a todo eso. Cuando oí lo que le contaste a Alice, e incluso lo que ella vio por sí misma, cuando me di cuenta de que habías tenido que poner tu vida en manos de hombres lobo, esas criaturas inmaduras y volubles, lo peor que ronda por ahí fuera aparte de Victoria... -me estremecí ante la idea. Bella con los hombres-lobo, tan inestables, tan peligrosos. -Por favor, créeme cuando te digo que no tenía ni idea de todo esto. Se me revuelven las tripas hasta lo más profundo, incluso ahora, cuando puedo verte segura en mis brazos. No tengo ni la más remota disculpa en...
-Para, para -me interrumpió y sentí como la agonía se apoderaba de mí. Me miró a los ojos y en ellos vi cómo luchaba con sus propios sentimientos. ¿Era mi confesión suficiente o había llegado demasiado tarde? ¿Sólo había venido a buscarme para reparar un error y no producir dolor a mi familia o yo le importaba algo? ¿Cuál era la causa de la tristeza que había en sus ojos? Me maldije por haberla dejado.
-Edward –comenzó con el rostro calmado, pero en su voz había una nota amarga, como si mi nombre pudiera hacerla pedazos. El miedo me sobrecogió y sentí el agujero abierto en mi pecho estremecerse, esperando… Ahora era ella la que quería hablarme y yo estaba impaciente por saber qué pasaba por su cabecita. Había dolor en su voz y me preparé para lo peor. -Esto tiene que terminar ya. No puedes ver las cosas de esa manera. No puedes permitir que esa... culpa... gobierne tu vida. -Algo no encajaba, pero la dejé hablar. -No tienes por qué asumir la responsabilidad de las cosas que me han ocurrido aquí. Nada de esto ha sucedido por tu causa, sólo es parte de las cosas que me suelen pasar a mí en la vida. Así que si tropiezo delante de un autobús o lo que sea que me ocurra la próxima vez, has de ser consciente de que no es cosa tuya asumir la culpa. -Miraba hacia abajo y no a mi cara, así que no vio como la tristeza se convirtió en confusión, casi hasta en esperanza. ¿De qué estaba hablando? -No tienes por qué salir corriendo hacia Italia porque te sientas mal por no haberme salvado. Incluso si yo hubiera saltado de ese acantilado para matarme, ésa habría sido mi elección y, desde luego, no tu responsabilidad. Sé que está en tu... naturaleza el cargar con las culpas de todo, pero de verdad... ¡no tienes por qué llevarlo hasta ese extremo! Es de lo más irresponsable por tu parte no haber pensado en Carlisle, Esme y...
Su voz se fue apagando, como si no pudiera seguir, entonces respiró profundamente, aunque no lo suficiente. ¡Ella todavía no se había dado cuenta de que yo estaba allí porque todavía la quería! Aún no entendía lo imposible que era para mí el no amarla. ¡Ella creía que yo sólo me sentía culpable!
No sabía muy bien qué sentía en ese momento, demasiadas cosas a la vez –alivio, rabia, esperanza, miedo, incredulidad- todo mezclado, bordeando la locura. No pude ni controlar mi expresión.
-Isabella Marie Swan -susurré mientras ella trataba de evaluar mi expresión-, pero ¿tú te crees que le pedí a los Volturis que me mataran porque me sentía culpable?
Vi en su hermoso rostro la más absoluta incomprensión.
-¿Ah, no?
-Me sentía culpable, de una forma muy intensa. Más de lo que tú podrías llegar a comprender.
-Entonces, ¿qué estás diciendo? No te entiendo. –y eso era tan fácil de leer en su lindo rostro.
-Bella, me marché con los Volturis porque pensé que habías muerto – y todo el dolor que había sentido por ello volvió a golpearme mientras trataba de hablar con voz suave. -Incluso aunque yo no hubiera tenido nada que ver con tu muerte... – me estremecí ante el pensamiento –Me hubiera ido a Italia aunque no hubiera ocurrido por culpa mía. Es obvio que debería haber sido más cuidadoso, tendría que haberle preguntado a Alice, en lugar de aceptarlo de labios de Rosalie. Pero vamos a ver… ¿Qué se suponía que debía pensar cuando el chico dijo que Charlie estaba en el funeral? ¿Cuáles eran las probabilidades?
»Las probabilidades... –mientras hablaba Romeo y Julieta se alzaron en mi mente, yo había actuado exactamente igual que Romeo, aceptando las cosas de segunda mano…-. Las probabilidades siempre están amafiadas en contra nuestra. Error tras error. No creo que vuelva a criticar nunca más a Romeo.
Entonces ella me trajo de nuevo a la realidad.
-Pero hay algo que aún no entiendo –dijo-, y ése es el punto más importante de la cuestión: ¿y qué?
-¿Perdona? - ¿cómo? “¿Y qué?” pero ¿qué demonios…?
-¿Y qué pasaba si yo había muerto?
La miré fijamente, incrédulo, pero ella sólo me miraba con un brillo triste y extraño en los ojos. Me sentía tan dolido. Sólo fui capaz de preguntar:
-¿No recuerdas nada de lo que te he dicho desde que nos conocimos?
-Recuerdo todo lo que me has dicho-. Dijo haciendo una mueca.
Supe perfectamente a qué se refería y me di cuenta de que no me había expresado con suficiente claridad.
Rocé su labio inferior suavemente, deseando que mis labios fueran los portadores de la caricia…
-Bella, creo que ha habido un malentendido – cerré los ojos incapaz de enfrentarme a los suyos. ¿Cómo podía creer aún que yo no la quería? Noté como la tristeza llenaba mi sonrisa-. Pensé que ya te lo había explicado antes con claridad. Bella, yo no puedo vivir en un mundo donde tú no existas.
-Estoy... –dijo tratando de encontrar la expresión adecuada-. Estoy hecha un lío.
La miré profundamente a los ojos y le dije:
-Soy un buen mentiroso, Bella, tuve que serlo.


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Por supuesto, esto está basado y literalmente copiado, especialmente en los diálogos, del maravilloso texto de Stepheny Meyer.
Como siempre se lo dedico a las Bubble Girls, que me inspiran y me hacen seguir escribiendo. Especialmente Bell, ¿qué haría yo sin ti?

Espero que os guste y que lo disfrutéis mucho.

“Oh!” she gasped as she rubbed her eyes with her fists.
There was so much surprise on her beautiful face that I was scared, she didn’t seem to remember anything about what had happened to us the last three days. I felt a stab of pain when I thought that I only seemed to be part of a nightmare for her, but I would not go away, not without an answer. There were many things to talk about; leaving aside all the reasons I had to stay.
She opened her eyes again and the anxiety grew inside me, and it showed in my voice.
“Did I frighten you?”
She didn’t answer and I was alarmed. She looked at me strangely and I wondered what she was thinking. The old frustration hit me, but it has been so long since I had been with her that I didn’t want to spoil the moment with nonsense. She looked confused and distant as if she was thinking I wasn’t real, as if she was still asleep.
She blinked twice with despair, trying to remember something and her eyes roamed my face, still disoriented.
“Oh, crap!” she croaked, her voice thick with sleep.
“What’s wrong, Bella?” Anxiety filled my voice, impossible to control, but also there was sadness in it.
She frowned, sadly. I felt more anxiety.
"I'm dead, right?” she groaned. “I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie”.
I put a face.
"You're not dead.” Apparently I was right and she didn’t believe that I was there with her, lying beside her, hugging her body because that was the only thing in the world that made me feel alive. And I planned to stay there, fight for it, while there was still hope.
"Then why am I not waking up?” She challenged me, raising her eyebrows.
"You are awake, Bella” I said feeling a mixture of confusion, anxiety and frustration, while I was trying to read her face.
She shook her head.
"Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do you wake up. If I wake up, which I won’t, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake ...” her voice turned off, full of horror and sadness...
Jake ... she had said the name gently ... I cut that line of thought before it was too late and I smiled sadly.
"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare," What else could I be for her after all I have put her through? I was just a monster. “But I can’t imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?” I could hear the sadness in my own voice.
She grimaced.
"Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."
I sighed. I was desperate, but I also felt hope. At least she didn’t think that being with me was a bad thing.
I got lost in her melted chocolate eyes, even during the second when she looked away from mine to the open window and then back to me. She seemed confused, lost somewhere in her mind. Then she blushed and the warmth of the blood that rose to her creamy cheeks took away all the cold nights and dark days without her, even those when I didn’t believe I would see her again, those in which the only thing I could think about to survive was that somewhere she was still breathing.
"Did all of that really happen, then?" Caution filled her question as if she could not believe that recent days had really happened to us.
I tried to smile and answered:
"That depends… If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."
“How strange!" she whispered. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"
I rolled my eyes. My sweet Bella had crossed the ocean to stop me from doing something stupid, not caring to put her life in danger without a second thought, and she thought that everything was a dream.
"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent." ‘So I can continue watching your sleep, imagining that you still love me, my love’.
"I’m not tired anymore” she said, fully awake. “What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?”
‘Time to face reality.’ My time was over and I was overwhelmed with fear.
"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours”. She stretched as I spoke. ‘Fourteen wonderful hours, taking care of your sleep, as if I had never left’.
“Charlie?” She asked.
I grimaced.
"Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But, still, the intent was clear."
"Charlie banned you from the house?" she asked, with a strange voice when the rage mingled with its natural sweetness.
Memories came back to my mind carrying sadness with them. Charlie always was hard to read to me, but he had very clear memories of the past few months, so I could not blame him for wanting me to stay away from her daughter. Actually, I understood perfectly, but there was only one person who could get me away from Bella and it was Bella herself, I will never have enough strength to leave her again.
“Did you expect anything else?” I said, aware of the sadness seeping into my voice…
Her eyes were mad and bright, as if something was burning inside them, but sadness substituted brightness as they calm down. I saw something different, anxiety, perhaps?, on her face as her voice filled with curiosity.
“What’s the story?” she asked in a casual tone.
It wasn’t a dangerous question and it gave me more time to spend with her. I was still looking forward to clear things up, I especially wanted to know if she still loved me, but anything that would lengthen the time I could spend with her was not going to bother me. So I took the same safe path she offered me. Doing it easy and casual. I was not ready to leave, not yet.
“What do you mean?”
“What am I telling Charlie?” She looked at me confused, "What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone, anyway?"
"Just three days” I smiled apologetically. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."
All that had happened was too much to find a lie that could fix it. Also I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but her and everything I had to apologize for.
"Fabulous”. She groaned.
"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," I said, trying to comfort her. I had not talked with anyone before coming to her room. The time to be by her side was too precious to lose it, especially when I didn’t know how much time I had. She relaxed, but then I saw the dreaded moment had arrived.
“So...” she began, "what have you been doing, up until three days ago?"
It was not the question I expected and it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I hesitated. What could I tell? I didn’t have it very clear yet.
"Nothing terribly exciting”.
"Of course not," she muttered, but security shone in her eyes, with a hint of sadness.
“Why are you making that face?”
"Well ...” Her lips pursed, considering "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."
I sighed; she left me with no choice.
"If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?”
“Nightmare!” She repeated scornfully. “Maybe”, she said after a moment of thought," if you tell me”.
"I was... hunting”. I didn’t want to talk about this and I hoped that she had enough with that answer, though I didn’t have high hopes for it.
“That's the best you can do?” She criticized me, her eyes fierce. “That doesn’t prove I’m awake”.
I hesitated, searching for words with care. I didn’t want her to worry and I knew that she would if I told what I had been doing, she was such a good girl, and we had more important things to talk about, but I knew she would not let it pass and I would win some time by her side.
"I wasn’t hunting for food… I was actually trying my hand at... tracking. I'm not very good at it”.
“What were you tracking?” She asked, intrigued.
"Nothing of consequence”. I was uncomfortable and I knew she could see it on my face.
“I don’t understand.” She said with her face full of confusion, trying to read my expression.
I hesitated between answer her question or leave my fate in her hands. I could not bear another second being so close to her, breathing her breath and not being able to kiss her. I wanted to be closer and closer, without any space between our bodies… But for that, a confession was needed and her forgiveness. I needed to know what caused the distance that emanated from all her body, if she wanted me or not.
"I...” I took a deep breath. “I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know, that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria”, only thinking of that name filled me with anger “would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now—she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there”.
I let it all out just in a breathing, I felt very nervous and wanted to go through this as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to confront the ghost of the time away from her, which only made me feel like having a thousand knives in my heart of stone. She looked at me with concentration.
"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what she saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself" I shuddered at the thought. Bella with werewolves, so volatile, so dangerous. “Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for—"
"Stop” she interrupted me and I felt the agony came over me again. She looked into my eyes and I saw inside them how she was struggling with her own feelings. Was it enough or my confession had came too late? Had she just came to Italy to stop me for doing something stupid and not cause any pain to my family or did she really care about me? What was the cause of the sadness in her eyes? I cursed myself for leaving her.
"Edward", she began with her face calm, but with a sour note in her voice, as if my name could break her into pieces. Fear overcame me and I felt the hole in my heart tremble, waiting ... Now it was she who wished to speak and I was impatient to know what was on her mind. There was pain in her voice and I prepared for the worst. "This has to stop now. You can’t think about things that way. You can't let this… this guilt… rule your life”. Something was wrong, but I let her talk. “You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame”. She was looking down and not at my face, so she didn’t see how the sadness turned into confusion almost up to hope. What was she talking about? “You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—"
Her voice trailed off, as if she could not follow, then she breathed deeply, though not enough. She had not yet realized that I was there because I still loved her! She hadn’t understood yet how impossible it was for me not to love her. She thought I just felt guilty!
I wasn’t sure what I was feeling at that moment, too many feelings at once -relief, anger, hope, fear, disbelief- all mixed together, bordering on madness. I could not control my expression.
"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered, as she tried to evaluate my expression. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"
I saw in her beautiful face an utter incomprehension.
“Didn’t you?”
"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."
"Then… what are you saying? I do not understand.” And it was so easy to read on her sweet face.
"Bella, I went to the Volturis because I thought you were dead” and all the pain I had felt for it hit me again as I tried to talk softly. “Even if I'd had no hand in your death" I shuddered at the thought, "even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful --I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?
"The odds ...” ‘Romeo and Juliet’ rose in my mind as I spoke, I had acted just like Romeo, accepting secondhand things ... "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."
Then she brought me back to reality.
"But I still don't understand," she said. "That's my whole point. So what?"
Excuse me? – ‘What?  "So what?" But, what the hell...?’
"So what if I was dead?"
I stared at her in disbelief, but she just looked at me with a sad and strange glow in her eyes. I was so hurt. I could only ask:
"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"
"I remember everything that you told me”. She said grinning.
I knew perfectly what she meant and I realized that I had not been clear enough.
I brushed her lower lip gently, hoping that my lips were the carriers of the caress...
“Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I closed my eyes unable to cope with her eyes. How could she still believe that I didn’t love her? I felt how the sadness filled my smile."I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."
"I am...” She said trying to find the right expression. “Confused”.
I looked deeply into her eyes and said:
"I'm a good liar, Bella, I had to be”.

Oh Saturday! Terrible Saturday! Terrible headache! Beer Hangover!! And we had to go to buy food and drinks for the B-day party! It was also a party where we had to be wearing black clothes (Black Soul Party lol, at summer we celebrate the White Spirit Party in Ibiza clothing and music style). My head didn’t work, I felt sick and even we were 5 people for buying lots of things were forgotten so I had to come back again to buy (Mario plays Volley…) As I was still sick and we had a lot of things to do on Sunday morning I went to sleep early. I felt broken! lol
So, there it came the Sunday! We woke up and got all the things to carry them to the county house I told you you can come to whenever you want. There we have a little pool and a green space to be an we have too a sound system. A friend  is a DJ, so we have quite good music sessions.
It was 11a.m. when people started to arrive and allthough I was not going to cook the paella I knew I was going to be all the day long working, it's my house! I think I just sat down to have lunch and to have dinner, while all the people were sitting playing different games or just talking, but when anyone needed something I was the one they asked to so I couldn't be sitting for so long.
The party was over at 6a.m (Monday!), but I went to sleep at 4a.m., too tired to stay lol. Even with loud music I felt asleep in a few secs.

At 10a.m. on Monday morning I was up again to arrange the chaos the party left. Mario woke up at 11 and came to help me, after him came the friends that had stayed to sleep. In 2 hours we had everything fine.

Since it was Mario’s B-day we went to his mother house (my mother was in London and my father at his hometown –he doesn’t like traveling) And there we stayed all day, doing nothing. Anyway I was still too tired and just wanted to go to bed.

It was funny, but too long! And all this time I found myself thinking about you and missing you even physically. I wanted you to be at the Oktober festival and to the party.

I’m really happy cos I met you girls. Thanks for being there.

I love you!